Stop Using Rewards to Motivate Kids—Here’s What Actually Works
How to help children love learning for its own sake
This article is part of the Learning Safari track where we turn everyday moments into powerful learning adventures—helping you spark creativity and discovery in your child’s everyday world.
"If you finish your math worksheet, you can have 30 minutes of screen time."
It’s a phrase many of us parents have said at some point, often in a moment of frustration.
The promise of a reward gets the task done.
We've all seen it—children who can spend hours completely immersed in something they love, whether it's role-playing elaborate stories with their toys, designing intricate crafts, or creating their own dance routines.
No one has to dangle a reward in front of them; they just do it.
With pure focus and enjoyment.
But then, there's the schoolwork, the practice sheets, the assignments.
And suddenly, the magic word appears.
Incentives.
It works—at least for a while.
But what happens when the rewards need to keep getting bigger?
And are we unknowingly teaching them that learning is just a means to an end, rather than something worth doing for its own sake?
This raises an important question:
If children are capable of deep engagement and persistence, why does learning sometimes feel like a chore that needs a bribe?
More importantly, how can we nurture that same self-driven enthusiasm across all learning experiences—without dangling external rewards?
The Motivation Trap
Most of us have been caught in what psychologists call the "extrinsic motivation loop"—a cycle where:
✅ A child resists a learning activity
✅ A parent offers an external reward
✅ The child completes the task to earn the reward
✅ The child's internal motivation decreases
✅ The child requires bigger/better rewards next time
✅ The parent feels stuck in an unsustainable system
As we know from research, external rewards actually reduce intrinsic motivation over time.
When children do something to earn a reward, they attribute their behavior to the reward rather than any internal desire.
The result?
A child who increasingly asks, "What do I get if I do this?" rather than finding value in the activity itself.
Breaking the "Do This, Get That" Cycle
If you've ever resorted to stickers, treats, or screen time to push through a lesson, you're not alone.
I've been there too.
The challenge however isn’t just getting children to complete tasks—it’s helping them find meaning and enjoyment in learning itself.
So, what actually works?
Here’s what I’ve found:
Give Children a Sense of Control
No one—child or adult—enjoys being micromanaged.
Even small choices can change the energy of a learning session.
"Do you want to start with reading or math today?"
"Would you rather study at the desk or curl up on the couch?"
"Pencil or coloured pens?"
Tiny shifts, but they make a difference.
When children feel like they have a say, they engage differently.Connect Learning to Their Interests
I’ve noticed that when my children see how a lesson connects to something they love, their focus naturally improves.
It’s the difference between
"Do your math worksheet" and "This is how you’ll track your scores in basketball."
“Work on your writing” and “You could use this to write the script for your own comic book.”
“Practice your fractions” and “Let’s figure out how to double this cookie recipe together.”
The same goes for reading.
A child who loves dinosaurs will be far more eager to read a book about T. rex than one about a random character they don’t care about.
Sometimes, motivation is simply about finding the right hook.Notice Growth, Not Just Achievement
One thing I’ve stopped doing? Empty praise.
Instead of "Good job!" I try to be specific:
"I saw how you kept working through that tricky problem—that was persistence!"
"Your story had so many great details! It really helped me picture the scene."
It’s a small shift, but it changes the way kids see themselves.
They don’t just wait for praise—they start noticing their own progress.End on a Note of Curiosity
Instead of just closing a book and saying, "We’re done," I try to leave my children with something to think about:
"I wonder what would happen if we tried this another way?"
"That character was stuck—what would you have done?"
"What do you think we’ll discover next time?"
When learning ends with curiosity rather than just relief that it’s over, they’re more likely to come back to it on their own.
Real learning isn’t about getting it done—it’s about wanting to do more.From Struggle to Strategy
I have been applying these strategies with a focus on intentional guidance, structured study habits, and a deep love for learning.
Learning in my home is not something to "get through" in exchange for a reward.
My children understand the value of their studies and have developed the discipline to prepare for their sessions without needing external motivation.
My role?
Helping them plan, guiding their process, and providing the right environment for focus.
Yet, even with this strong foundation, I’ve observed that different types of learning come with different natural energy levels.
Focused study sessions require effort and discipline, while activities like building, crafting, or storytelling often feel more playful and spontaneous.
Both are valuable, and both contribute to deep, meaningful learning.
So, rather than relying on external motivation, I focus on reinforcing their internal drive—helping them see learning as a natural part of life, not something that needs a prize at the end.
Why This Works When Rewards Fail
The Internal Motivation Blueprint works because it addresses the three psychological needs identified by decades of motivation research:
✅ Autonomy – The feeling of having choice and control
✅ Competence – The sense of growing mastery and capability
✅ Relatedness – The connection between learning and what matters to the child
When these needs are met, children don’t require external rewards to engage in learning—they develop intrinsic motivation that fuels lifelong learning.
This small change in how you frame and support learning can begin to break the reward dependency cycle and nurture natural enthusiasm.
More importantly, this approach builds a healthier relationship with learning itself, shifting from “I have to” to “I want to.”
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The Bigger Picture
None of this is about perfect parenting.
I don’t always get it right.
But I do know that when learning is framed as something valuable in itself—rather than just a task to complete—children approach it differently.
That’s what I want for my children.
Not just to finish their assignments, but to stay curious, find joy in figuring things out, and see the value in learning without needing a reward.
And if you're on this journey too, I know you want same for your children.
So, yes.
We’re figuring it all out together.
Now,
What’s one small change you can make today to help your child find more joy in learning?
Until next time,
Stella 💛
I thought I was the only one who was against this do this and get that way of raising kids in today's century. It's very corrupting and that's you teaching the kid bribery in an indirect way. The best way to motivate a child to do something is to tell them the implications of those actions.
This was so profound. I resonated with this post. To take it a step further, as adults, we can look at the lessons life has taught us. We have been learning things throughout our lives that can help us in future scenarios. Sometimes we can't see the necessity of the lesson in the moment. But when we look back, we can see how it all comes together. Thanks for sharing.