I Was Sitting Beside Her, But I Wasn’t Really There

What parenting on autopilot taught me about attention—and love.

Apr 19, 2025

This article is part of the Becoming You track where we explore growing into the best version of yourself, because when you thrive, everything around you transforms.

“Mom, you're not listening.”

My then 6-year-old’s words hit like a bucket of cold-water.

Because she was right.

I was there, physically sitting beside her, nodding along to her story on music school, but my mind was juggling five things at once: an unfinished email, a grocery list, a pending task, a WhatsApp message, and a stray thought about a neighbour.

She was trying to connect.

I was simply unavailable.

And in that moment, I realised the problem wasn’t my time.

It was my attention.

We often say we’re “too busy,” but what we really are is too divided.

Our attention is leaking.

And when we parent like this?

The connection thins.

The joy dulls.

We miss the little things that actually matter.

That’s why I started paying attention to… well, my attention.

The Breaking Point

I couldn't remember what my daughter had said, even though we had “talked” about it just a few minutes earlier.

I was with her… and also not.

Maybe you’ve been there too:

You re-read the same line in a book multiple times.
You walk into a room and immediately forget why.
You complete a task but feel like you haven’t actually done anything.

We live in a world meticulously engineered to hijack our attention.

Everything from push notifications to open tabs is fighting for our attention—and usually winning.

But here's what I'm learning:

Reclaiming your attention is a return to presence.

A Simple Practice: The Attention Audit

So, I tried something small but eye-opening.

I called it my Attention Audit.

I split my day into three-hour chunks and asked myself three questions at the end of each:

What was I actually doing (not just what I planned to do)?
Was I focused, or just frantically busy?
Did these activities energise me, or drain me?

What I discovered wasn’t shocking, but it was sobering.

My worst attention leaks were happening mid-morning (between to-dos) and early evening (when I was trying to "wind down" but actually multitasking parenting and pending to-dos).

What Changed When I Started Noticing

I didn’t overhaul my life.

I began by choosing presence.

During weekend breakfast with my girls,

During writing blocks, I used to interrupt,

During the quiet in-between moments, I’d usually scroll through.

One small decision at a time, I started rebuilding my focus—and myself.

Suddenly, conversations returned.

The chaos softened.

I started hearing things again—both from my kids and within myself.

I still slip, yes.

Sometimes, I catch myself checking my phone while my girls are describing their gymnastics routines.

But now, I notice.

And noticing is powerful.

Because when you notice, you can choose.

Your Invitation

You don’t need to fix your whole life overnight.

You don’t even need to “get more done.”

But maybe today, you can choose to reclaim a moment of focus.

To be fully present while your child tells you a story.

To feel the quiet after a task is finished, instead of rushing to the next.

To sit with yourself, even for five minutes, doing nothing, simply staring.

Because…

You just need a moment—and the courage to truly be in it.

I’d love to hear from you:

What’s your biggest attention leak right now?